ding dong have you heard the news? people are saying that it is June! Happy Summer to my Substack community. I haven’t been using this website a lot, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real! If you’re reading this I hope you’re getting some sun and crushing on someone who smells good to you. If you don’t have a crush, look in the mirror and blow yourself three kisses please!
If you can believe it, I’m currently writing to you from under the Tuscan sun, where I’m happy, healthy and full of dairy. I wanted to pop into your inbox to say that I’m touring EUROPE this summer. A dream come true! I’ll be doing shows in Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Dublin, Edinburgh and London. Don’t let me embarrass myself abroad, please come see me/ send my info to your fabulous pals who live in the aforementioned cities!!!
EUROPEAN TOUR TICKETS HERE
In other exciting news, I recently shot my second comedy special Come For Me at the Gramercy Theater in NYC. You’ll be able to watch it soon on VEEPS, which is Live Nation’s new streaming service. I also wrapped production on the latest season of Only Murders in the Building, which will be on Hulu at the end of the summer!!! Til then I’ll be touring, eating, sleeping, and watching Vanderpump Rules for the first time (I’m on season 7, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THESE PEOPLE????!!!!!!!!!!)
Stay safe, healthy and happy. Remember life is for the living after all !!! Here’s some poems:
POEM I WROTE AFTER SEARCHING “GIRL HAIRCUT” ON GOOGLE MAPS
I’m crying under a painting of a zebra
that says “zebra” on it
and why stop there?
On Elizabeth the tarot reader plays on her phone
your girlfriend slicks her hair back in a bun
all around Manhattan women are telling each other
they’re exactly where they’re supposed to be
at the slightest inconvenience I beg for deathPOEM I WROTE AFTER SWALLOWING FOUR WELLNESS FORMULA PILLS ON AN EMPTY STOMACH
Once again rejected from the delta sky lounge
I approach the jersey mikes kiosk at LAX
For a 9am Italian sub
Love is like a melody btw
I’m one of those girls who writes in bed without the writing
I’m one of those girls who wants to wear a watch
I just watched game of thrones for the first time
It’s really good y’all should check it out!POEM I WROTE THE SUMMER I LANGUISHED SO MUCH
there’s a guy wearing a santa hat
on the street in june in meatpacking
and why shouldn’t there be?
a german boy, tallest in his class, clomps alongside his father
they’re on vacation. it’s fabulous isn’t it?
you could live here one day and paris the next
you could have an australian girlfriend or break hearts south of mccarren park
moving forward my children WILL walk in fashion week by the way
I went to la for 24 hours to try on clothes
I went to a restaurant called the pasta sisters
I pull a tarot card and forget to look up the meaning
when someone breaks up with you, believe themTRAVEL POEM
A woman at the cold plunge spa in Portland
Says she keeps being drawn back to Italy
…I’m not sure what it is…
…I just keep being drawn back to Italy…
I am not drawn to places just times
And you cannot go to those
allegedly. I’m glad I’m older now I swear
I’m gonna be on TV for good this time.
this is not hyperbole this is not hyperbole
my boyfriend just asked me how to spell the word pocket
ALL MY LOVE,
Catherine
God you look gorgeous! Gonna try to see you in London so i can laugh laugh LAUGH 💖
💕