hi it’s me etc
last night I didn’t really sleep as much as I had a bunch of thoughts while lying down until it was morning- is this healthy and good?
ugh I wrote such a divine poem in my half-sleep but the lines now escape me…some things, much like my 2008 high school production of Our Town in which I had one (say it with me) one line, are ephemeral. I find the need to use so much parenthesis when I write…should I go to grad school? what if I got a tattoo of a parenthesis or worse an ellipsis…something to think about! I think I’ll name my daughter Ellipsis I’m joking of course. I stopped taking my birth control for six days to see if that would change my life and all I did was call my boyfriend crying, incoherently peeping something about needing him to simply just love me forever <3 being with me: it’s as easy as that!
I do look beautiful when I cry (my eyes are essentially emeralds) but it can still be annoying to be called by me while I am crying (I will talk about poems).
People love to define the word “nostalgia” in essays and I once fell prey to that trap in college. I wrote my senior thesis on what I called “The Poetry of Nostalgia” it was not good though I did get an A- because I don’t think my advisor was familiar with one of the poets I wrote a lot about (Joe Bolton) so I had a leg up. if you don’t know about Joe bolton he is so good and you should read his collection “the last nostalgia” — my college roommate showed me his work our freshman year and then we drank raspberry smirnoff mixed with vitamin water (revive flavor) and cried about boys from new england who would kiss us and email us and be generally difficult towards us. one time I made out with one of them (tall, great eyebrows) in the computer lounge (#tbt) of our dorm and he rubbed his tongue against my bottom teeth metal retainer and said “I have one too” I was like can we just put our tongues in each other’s mouth without being so literal about it? he would later go on to not be my boyfriend or like me much as a friend even.
college was so simple and cold and late at night. lately I’ve been crying like I’m there again. I am writing about the past I guess because I am scared of the future and am not j’adoring the present (my stomach hurts + world ending = not bae). I’m still at my parents house in Texas and will head back to NYC this week to do goddess knows what. I feel tired and scared of COVID which people aren’t talking about a ton anymore….but that might be because the only people I interact with are the cast members of season 5 of 90 day fiancé, an exquisite program that makes you feel confident and sometimes lonely all at once. sometimes I hate TV and sometimes I love it. I prefer night to day unless it’s chilly but sunny and you find a rly perfect new song via spotify discover weekly while folding laundry near an open window. anyways I think it’s time for a nap (I woke up three hours ago) here are some poems I started yesterday and finished this morning— a tuesday newsletter…how expansive……thanks for reading My Sexy Little Email <3
January 2021
I’m reading about Hannah Arendt
and searching for lime satin on ASOS
sometimes my poopy leaves a little mark in the toilet bowl
yesterday I told you my dog had been so soft lately and you agreed
I’m going to be so creative once I get the vaccineSelf-Care Poem
thank god for thunderstorms and things that require two hands
slicing a lemon, shaving my pussy,
trying to find my way back to my bed in the dark
Mitchell says I should create things
so I don’t destroy others
any day can feel like Sunday
if you don’t look at your computer too much
Necessary Behaviors
I text my best friend teach me how to luv
or at least tell me which episode of that anti-diet
podcast can change me most quick
I’m 29 at my parent’s house
doing the exact same thing
I was 10 years ago or even 15
in my bedroom reading Joe Bolton
playing Taylor Swift songs from Ultimate-Guitar
u can leave where you’re from u just have to go back
hmm i kind of didn’t want that pink line on the whole thing but such is life !!! mwah
OH ALSO — i’m doing this wonderful virtual show on Thursday hosted by my bb Chris Murphy, tix here: https://arsnovanyc.com/Showgasm-ChrisMurphy
we luv!
<3 That’s all, thanks for reading! As always, My Sexy Little Email is free, but 100% of subscriptions go to The Loveland Foundation, which helps fund therapy for Black women and girls.