beeeeep beeeeep it’s me
it’s been awhile vibes!!! I got back to NYC one week ago and have been in sensory overload heaven ever since…there is no greater feeling than landing in New York City. I screlt “I’m BAck Back in The New YORK GrroOOOVE” and my uber driver is like miss pls this isn’t an uber I was trying to pick up my blonde girlfriend from the airport and u got in my car. ANYWAYS!
a few exciting things:
I’m horny
I’m fully vaxxed ‘GOD I FEEL MODERNA TONIGHT’ !!!!! she had to do it…
I’m on my period for the 4th time this month my panties ARE a Rothko painting
I’m on a new medicine for my PCOS that comes in a comically large pill bottle…whenever i take it out ,I shake it up, play it like an instrument, and sing a little song called “i’ve got just one WISH///which is for science to FIX me” kind of a slant rhyme situation…still workshopping it
I do wonder if everyone we know and love will betray us…what do y’all think?
I’m writing this to you from a REAL LIFE COFFEE SHOP…feeling sooo vintage right now. asking for the WIFI password— the erotic rush I’ve been waiting for for 14 months. ( I don’t like repeating “for for” ….could that possibly be grammatically correct"?) are you the kind of person who will ask for a specific book u are looking for? or just fumble around the bookstore looking for it and leave if you don’t find it? randomly I’m the second…men made me shy……need that on a t-shirt. one time this girl made me a t-shirt with one of my own jokes on it and then betrayed me publicly… u have to laugh !
every time I think about this past year for even a second I break down in crying crying tears made of what could only be described as a bittersweet pain/relief smoothie that would be green but milky and cost $18 DAMN will we ever recover emotionally from this lol
I’m SOOO OBSESSED with a show called COUPLES THERAPY on showtime—- its real couples in therapy with this gorgeous woman named Orna who is chic and has the most amazingly expressive face. also i cant stop eating the spicy tuna sandwich from Joe & The Juice ever since i read sarah jessica parker (the original substack slut) eats it a lot
~ yesterday i took an adderall & cleaned my apartment for nine hours ~ I went into CREVICES .
waiiit also i finished OZARK the show for boomers and actually i loved it and ACTUALLY the last moment of Season THREE is soooo ICONIC. no spoily but sopranos vibes
I know this is all over the place but it’s not my fault! I was in a room alone for three weeks & spent so much time on my phone during the quarantine that as soon as I got back to NYC I ignored it for a full week…you might have noticed I haven’t made a TIKTOK in a few days (or you may have not noticed LOL my ego is on her quEEN shit) I wonder if I’ll keep making tiktoks in my real life or if that artistry is reserved solely for a sort of a liminal space…..anyways… I’m drinking a matcha latte….I’m wearing my new favorite look which I call “body positive instagram thot” body posi because I’m currently in that special space where straight sizes are TooSmall so I’ve taken to exploring the plus options on ASOS etc.— instagram thot because I’m essentially wearing a sports bra that u could never actually exercise in (BOUNCE BOUNCE am i right gurls???) feeling cute honestly.
I’ve never liked spring until now…. it took a year of hELL to show me I can bloom with the city !!! damn it’s horny in the air…the infrastructure itself is flirting with me …ok I was #today-years-old when I learned that infrastructure has an R in it???? here I am typing “infastructure, infistructure, infestructure” over and over again til I finally google the damn word and find out it’s spelled INFRASTRUCTURE. the learning never stops…not even when you’re a 29 yr old who wears XL bike shorts to the café….I have so much love for everyone that I do not know….
I wish I had one interesting thing to tell you but I am just feeling very GRATEFUL for life……….even the bad……..oy now you’ve heard everything
I’m also one text away from getting a puppy which is my favorite place to be in MENTALLY
also i broke up with one of my therapists…….i was essentially paying her one million dollars an hour to remind me that I’m in a bad mood.
I’m now just working with my one gurlie who suggests having 3 meals and 3 snacks a day…I know how broken I am because I thought that was a truly truly RADICALLY frightening idea..now you’ve heard everything— early 2000s magazines did a NUMBER ON US chicas! ok I’m going to try and write some poems now…
& while you wait why not subscribe to my favorite person/comedian/writer’s new Substack— Untitled Pat Regan Newsletter - deets: https://patregan.substack.com/
we also do a podcast together called SEEK TREATMENT— maybe today is the day you write a cute review for it…you could write a bad review for it but I think a few ppl have already done that so it wouldn’t be very inspired…
SPRINGTIME MATCHA-INSPIRED HORMONE-INDUCED POETRY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ABSOLUTE CUTIE POEM
put your nose in my eye
& let’s go swimming
it’s sunday & raining
the tree outside my window
is having the time of it’s life
I’m in bed eating raw garlic
& reading the paris review
where adam philips calls desire
isolating & oceanic
I have an app on my phone
where I can send a doctor named rivkah
a picture of a bug bite
& ask her what kind of bite it is—
what kind of bug bit me
the other day I started missing you
before we’d even got the bahn mi
POEM I WROTE IN BUSHWICK IN 2021
everyone is feeling comfortable with
a fun flared pant again I love that
the pandemic has made me fat
we’re allowed to say that now
because it isn’t good or bad
can you tell I just had therapy?
every time I cry on the street it only ever
has to do with not being able to get
the right prescription at the right price
at the right time at the perfect CVS nearest me
it’s time to make love
in all the movie places
(cars, showers, fields)
last night I titty-fucked my boyfriend
like all the great poets who came before me
& when he came he said it was almost painful
feminist win????? stop me on the street
if you need a friend I’m so wonderful
& the pandemic has rendered time useless,
inconsequential. I’m 30, I’m 20, I’m mortified
& hungry, irregular & online. I’m awake & tired
& hurling my big tits through space
I do wish there were different words for so many things
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And NOW, for a few RECS before I go:
I could truly not put down this novel by megan nolan…get ur hands on a copy ASAP: https://www.littlebrown.com/titles/megan-nolan/acts-of-desperation/9780316429856/
I’m in a rom com called Dating & New York that was accepted into the Tribeca Film Festival !!! It stars Jaboukie Young-White and Francesca Reale and was written/directed by Jonah Feingold. It even features me playing opposite my real life lover Brian Muller…deets here: https://tribecafilm.com/films/dating-and-new-york-2021
& now for the BTS shot…
I got a gel manicure
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Thanks for reading sweeties. As always, this newsletter is free, but if you subscribe, 100% of proceeds go towards The Loveland Foundation, which helps fund therapy for Black women and girls.