Why am I so scared of slowing down? I always write back. Imagine being comfortable with being disliked. God I wish my name was June. The hardest thing about my life is that not everyone wants to have sex with me and I get migraines that make my vision blur. Not bad! Women on TikTok teach me about slow living, but they own property. They’ve got children and toolboxes and bedtimes in the light. I do assume I will have everything.
I’ve been so well-behaved lately I’m feeling the urge to self-destruct. How can I disrespect myself without fucking up my life? They don’t tell you the problem with building a life is that nagging urge to tear it all down. I’m up at 8am every morning. When I learn how to use one of those round blow dry hairbrushes it’s over for you hoes.
I have too many things and not enough IDEAS. Who could need 23 tote bags? I don’t think I had my period for the entirety of the pandemic. It’s not over. You get it. In my 30s I’m able to alarm myself in new and exciting ways.
Brian moved into a new apartment. High ceilings. I lived in Brooklyn from 2014 to 2018. Four years: two in the Williamsburg loft where I destroyed upwards of eight friendships, one right on the BQE where I made a pumpkin curry, and we almost made it two years in the Crown Heights spot (we even threw a brunch) but cut the lease early in October. We broke up cuz I fell in love with the idea of a drummer and the Lower East Side. Tale as old . as . time !
There’s no more powerful drug than a crush. It’s June and I’m not sad that part of my life is over. I’m in such wonderful love sometimes I can hardly stand it. I watch a video on Lauren Bacall. I see how love repeats itself in different cities. Some people have hair that sticks flat to their head which I don’t trust. Coffee in the morning and nothing at night. Stop thinking about how you’re feeling. Marla was right. Is that a pill bottle in your purse? I have three tattoos and one apartment. A laptop AND an iPad. Everyone wants you to have a credit card real bad. It’s too easy to get things in Manhattan. I can’t be here for much of the Summer or my legs might stick together for good this time.
Some people can’t spot the difference between being funny and cruel. The most boring men get all the applause even in these circles. Even in these times. No one taught you how to be an asshole but you managed it all the same. Captain Crunch is such a good taste to me. I’m struggling to find the right pair of sunglasses. I need a pair that SAYS something. I need a pair that FITS under a baseball cap. Am I making much sense?
I am very beautiful but not everyone thinks so. I watched every episode of Love on the Spectrum and cried in the perfect way. Look at us, all wanting the same things. Enjoying the breeze on the beach, the sauce on a pizza. I’m not snarky am I? Oh god I’d hate to be associated with snark. No. I went to a party with Sarah and was glad.
I took a photo of Marla’s doorstep, and she was there, she was a blue orb, which Quora says is a sign of protection or an iPhone defect or both. I walked down Bond Street in white boots and ran into the twins. You can talk about filmmaking over martinis and still get picked up by a Toyota Sienna at 3am.
I still don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t know a woman who hasn’t woken up wishing she hadn’t, not remembering how she did. I know couples who lie to each other in a hundred tiny ways and then get pregnant. They’re buying a house. I wouldn’t want to live with a liar, but hey that’s just me.
I’m having a nice day truly and Haley says she loves my daytime energy. It’s still the day, even now. This summer every day before I lock the door I’ll ask myself What If I’m Not As Bad As I Think? What If I Have Everything I Need? I had tampons delivered Monday afternoon. I could leave the country at any time. I don’t have anywhere to be til five and a winning personality.
Poem I wrote after I pulled out two tampons because I forgot I already had one in when I put one in
I just told my uber driver his tesla
was cool. it does look cool
and I’m not even running late
I’ve made many enemies
who don’t know we’re in a fight
put me in coach I like the game
I invite the woman who did my blowout
to this evening’s performance
she says she’ll be there but I didn’t
tell her where it was or when it was
I hope she liked the show
Have people who meal prep ever had sex?
Poem I wrote after I showed you my new tattoo and you were like it’s okay you don’t have to take your skirt off we’re in public actually
I read a profile of a model who has a landline
only her mother & her agent have the number
Don’t contact her after 8 !
We used to make gin & tonics & mistakes
remember when you had sex in my bed?
now I’m bored of alcohol
at least I keep saying I am
when I drink it
Poem I wrote after I remembered the sleepover where we were doing a quiz from elle magazine in the other room and my dad heard annie say the phrase “oral sex” and took away the magazine
everything in my mailbox
looks like a prop and
I’ve just been in touch with the government
It’s important to sit on the floor
when life piles up
It's important to google the moon
& bark at the news
how long will Expedia email me after I die
Poem I wrote after you accidentally took the wrong purse from the diner and that woman had to come all the way to Playwrights Horizons to get it back
It’s so hard to have morals when you have feelings
It’s not funny I’m pawing deli cuts into my mouth
roast beef tears pool in my throat
I have a dream I love famous people
aren’t they great? So wonderfully famous and
rude to me on my own podcast
I’ve been so well behaved lately I ate breakfast
Is my Prozac working too well?
Poem I wrote after getting a foot massage for the third time this week
last week I had a nine dollar diet coke
and I’m serious I’d like
to go in a dunking booth
is that what they’re called?
a shock to the system
I’m not crying I just fell in the dunking booth
I’ve been dunked. I miss needing someone so bad
I’d go if they invited me to get surgery
~~*** BIZNESS BITCH SECTION ***~~
if you would like to see me live I’ll be performing in
NYC at Club Cumming
in London with Pat Regan at Seek Treatment Live on July 22
at the Edinburgh Fringe in August
in Toronto at JFL in September
Details & Tix Here: https://www.catherine-cohen.com/tour
Also, Seek Treatment the podcast has bravely started a TikTok account. Click here for more solid gold like this:
That’s all for now! Thanks for reading. As always, this newsletter is free, but if you subscribe, 100% of proceeds go towards The Loveland Foundation, which helps fund therapy for Black women and girls.
Love,
Catherine
I BEG of you all to come check out my humble Newsletter, “A.M.’s Newsletter”, because I have an amazing series I call, Horizon Star Walk. On the Planet Oria, Aurora Borealis, Orion Pulsar, Ares Aldrin, and Gemini Taurus are on the run for their illegal activity, the stakes are HIGH for them all. A young Guardian of Oria, Sinsen Orbit, is hunting them down with his Officers backing him up. Will he catch them to be executed before the Queen and King of Oria, or will they successfully escape to Earth? Subscribe to find out!
have not even read this yet but i know i love it