Last thanksgiving I didn’t say a word. I’d just gotten my bleeding vocal chord zapped with a laser by a calm doctor who told me what he was doing was actually really chill. Never thought I’d use the word “cauterize” in My Sexy Little Email, but ultimately that is what the doctor was doing. if you’re wondering, the laser went through my nose! Pre-COVID, I wasn’t used to having things shoved up there. I’ve only done cocaine once (okay twice) and minutes afterwards insisted my friend make me tea because “my throat tasted like laundry.”
After the vocal chord procedure (it’s not surgery if you don’t wear an ass-less gown) I was instructed to remain silent for a week. No whispering, no throat-clearing, just showing iPhone notes that read “one small hot green tea please not too hot” to impatient baristas across the country. I made the iconic choice to fly silently home to Texas to spend the holiday with my family. As you can imagine, it was verrrry sitcom to be fully mute at my thanksgiving dinner. Picture me nodding and smiling violently as I was accosted by distant relatives I hadn’t seen in years, all asking how long I was “gonna give it in New York.” And I couldn’t even drink! Alcohol is bad for the vocal chords. It’s actually bad for every part of your body, but we all kind of ignore that because of general pain.
Thankfully (thanksgiving vibes), I recovered quickly and was singing my slutty little songs back in the club in just a few weeks. This year things are diff (understatement of the centch). I’m not going home for thanksgiving (what if I called it Turkey Day towards you?) because of the virus. I can sing, but there’s no shows. I’m going to make a turkey in my apartment and scream “I love you” out the window until there’s a vaccine. XO
wait also my parents got a new puppy!!!! his name is neo bc my dad loves the matrix LOL he is from heaven above !!!!!!!!!!
in other news,
POEMS:
Magazine Poem
what if I got thin and was still sad?
what if I won an award for being loud but mysterious?
someone asked me if the earth was bigger or smaller
than the moon and I got it wrong
please ask me to be in a photoshoot
Booze Cruise Poem
do you think I’ll ever ride on a motorcycle?
when guys say they want a girl who’s spontaneous
it’s like what are you even talking about
everyone made the beach so annoying
when all it did was be perfect
palm trees make me want to die
True Poem
my therapist says I should have a baby
because it is so authentic
I pay her so much sometimes
I’m like okay time to be a woman
who carries a huge leather bag around
but I don’t even use special shampoo
my real friends and I have martinis at 3pm
on wednesdays when we feel like it
imagine having abs during a pandemic
Blessed
ok so we’re all getting dogs
and engagement rings
ready get set go
look at me texting you
about gratitude at 11am
look at me sweating in public
by choice things will happen
in all kinds of ways and
you’re the one who said
you wanted to feel everything
so go ahead people love
to tell you there’s sugar in ketchup
23
I want to live in the oldest cleanest house
in the east village I had a roommate
who insisted we wrap used condoms in toilet paper
so she didn’t have to see them
I don’t know why she was looking in the trash
is it so good to be young?
life is so thick and slow now
I might even get a blonde dog
do you call a dog blonde?
it can be hard to feel close to a blonde
I say that with all the love in my heart
which remember? is a lot
I don’t know how we lived in such a small spot
with all our boyfriends and moods
three minutes on a microwave is an eternity
<3
I live in new york I know
I’m laughing all the way
to the urban outfitters on 14th and 6th
I’m 29 and I love their stuff
I’m in a place personally and professionally
where I text my family
if I make myself eggs in the morning
don’t say you’re proud of me
if you’ve never seen me cry
Thanks for reading MSLE <3 As always, My Sexy Little Email is free, but 100% of subscriptions go to The Loveland Foundation, which helps fund therapy for Black women and girls.
ok, but I want to name my first born child Neo. thanks for the poems, for real ❤️