Imagine me crawling back to you on hands & knees having not written a newsletter in not weeks, but MONTHS, rather...and at a time like this? Absolute chaos. The point is, hi its me (title of memoir) Apologies for the unintentional hiatus, but I’ve spent the past three months falling in and out of love with the world a thousand times over and had nary a moment to have an idea, much less write it down. But oh how I’ve missed you my sexy little emailers. And if you haven’t missed me at all? That will hurt my feelings, but it, like all things fragile, will pass. I’m learning how to handle disappointments in my old age (30).
Oh I meant to tell you— I’ve come to the realization that my greatest fear in life is not being fuckable...yes, in a world plagued by evil, terror, disease, I stand before you fearing that above all else, someone might not want to put their hard parts in my soft parts or their soft parts in and around my soft parts....i have no hard parts...though I do consider my fingers rather thin and think I’d make an excellent hand model. Perhaps in my next life...
I have so much to tell you I hardly know where to start. Just the other week I found myself in Riga, Latvia (a country I recently discovered is next to Russia) wandering around a park at dusk in carpool mom athleisure listening to Angel Olsen’s “Acrobat” over and over and over again- “I’m just a lady with some time...I am alive, I thought that I died” UGH how perfect is THAT . FUCK ! I love her. I’m not in the mood to cry right now but I cried a lot in November... more than usual and with feeling ! I cried with fervor....wait is it WITH abandon or WITHOUT abandon...sound off in the comments:
Oh how wonderful to leave the country and meet new people who don’t care about you yet at all and know you’re exactly where you’re meant to be....how bleak to return, to an empty apartment (dirty dishes fill the sink), the sun sets at 4, no one needs you to be anywhere. Life is SO UNEVEN. And I prefer it that way......can u tell I’m on a plane right now?
Last night I had some wine and it made my face all FLUSHED- I hate when my body tells me what I need. Right now my body is like...plzzzz stop poisoning me, queen. Cool it with the lukewarm Russian vodka. I’m like honey shh I got u an Apple Watch to help us with this. Steps, anyone? I take my body for a walk like she’s a little dog....which she is! Ruff ruff - Though I can’t run on all fours (not that I’d want to)- there are people on TikTok who can do that though...one of the many rabbit holes I’ve fallen into. I won’t get into it- there are people (some of great renown) Who have structured entire personalities around finding the most bizarre chaos on the internet and talking about it at length...i dont connect with that...When i meet someone I don’t want to hear about a video, I want to know where they grew up, who they kissed in high school, how they make money, what their dream house looks like, what their middle name is or isn’t, who they have sex with and why- is that so much to ask?
SO many of this town’s coolest people are so QUIET....fuck me it is so sexy to be silent and yet here i am...dripping in appeal and leaking secrets....I wonder if I’ll ever get my period again. Im on so many medicines these days! It’s modern. What can we do but adapt? Enough. Time for some poems :
Friendsgiving Poem
I hate to say it but the yellowist tree
doesn’t need any kind of excuse
the blocks unfold & things happen to people
tom talks to the dead at supper
sarah sends a selfie from across the street
movies are made & no one sees them
even for a second. who’s bringing the
seltzer? who among us even owns a bowl ?
-
Poem I Made Up While Getting a Massage
how abhorrent to be at peace
to have sex & think about
the price of pine nuts
can a cobblestone street be my job?
my family? the reason for my new religion?
you tell me our connection is spiritual &
that you want to lick my pussy
for the day I love you
I eat a vegan burger for lunch
-
POEM WRITTEN WHILE ROMANTICIZING EASTERN EUROPE
running by the river in riga
i have the wholly unoriginal thought
that the other side looks better, cooler,
closer to the dark water
i’m hardly out of breath
when taylor’s version comes on again
i was there it was rare etc
no one has ever told someone to leave &
wanted them to do it
Poem I wrote after I googled “wellness”
what am i supposed to do?
write about something else?
i ask to close the door but everyone else is
hot at dry bar in meatpacking
women discuss the new things
to be worried about- laser atrophy,
a gel that stimulates life.
you lose 100 hairs a day
i’ve no idea how many i had to begin with
i drink regular milk
how many hairs were on my head
when you sat on the ledge, when we arrived
at the definition of justice? when i watched
you blow smoke out the window & crumble
blue cheese in your hand all the filthy things
i loved you with every hair on my head
Poem I wrote after we missed the bus and the concert as well
o my god remember the Jetta?
you said you were good at driving drunk
now we’re allowed to be pregnant
was it vodka? In Dublin? With paracetamol
you were so sick
we drank warm orange juice
friends became doctors,
you bleached your hair
New York Poem
as if I’ve never heard a story
I decide I should be doing coke at the party
and lots of it, stat ! lessons get learned &
forgotten. friends come in from out of town
has my sadness become a distraction?
when does Zara open?
LONGING ETC
somewhere along the Atlantic
you were last seen at 9:33am
you lose a day heading in that direction
but if you turn around you can get it back
look at all the little clothes we wear
look how good you look in the light
I’ll sell my bed sure i’ve never
slept less in my life
sorry the spacing is annoying me i’m doing this on my phone i love u!! XOXO
Thanks for reading!! As always, this newsletter is free, but if you subscribe, 100% of proceeds go towards The Loveland Foundation, which helps fund therapy for Black women and girls.
The spacing looks nice :^)
a gel that stimulates life......epic