wowwww
we’re all thinking it…she missed the newsletter last week…I just couldn’t help myself! I’ve been deeply depressed in a way that does make me think the gorgeous weather in NYC is 100% mocking me :) I can’t remember what brings me joy besides “eating super thinly sliced deli cuts & watching shows about unique homes on ragged seasides”— is that…all there is?
^^^^ tfw it’s a forever mood^^^^
sigh ! I’m just going thru a bit of a SPELL — I’ve never liked spring to be HONEST (which i always am! except when I lied about having seen The Godfather) I adore fall of course and winter is my secret little fave (makes us all cuddle , big pots of soup, fab coats with fur trims etc) when I get generically depressed like this I LOVE to find a reason— and today’s reason is (drumroll pls) Being A Woman in Society (an old fave)
I say this with SO MUCH LOVE towards myself but I’ve gained some #weight recently and am trying to……figure out how to be a powerful, confident woman in a world that tells you thin=gorge and if not then u must have Perfect Proportion & Symmetrical face + very high cut panties? is it funny that I’ve been trying to lose weight since I was five years old? cue the laugh track !
it was only recently I realized that my disordered eating takes up sooo much of my beautiful brain space…o how i wish to empty out the “body image” part of my brain and replace it with a part that “knows how to play chess” or “at least understands why chess is such a highly revered game of strategy beloved by noted geniuses”
one day I’ll make a list of “all the things I could accomplish if I didn’t care about my appearance” the list will be so long I could wipe my ass with it for the next seven years. I can see it now— me wearing the list as a veil, walking down 5th avenue, me the bride & the WORLD herself my betrothed…
WHY does this spring weather make me feel gooey & blue? — the other night I found myself in my happy place (dead sober in an empty gristedes at 10pm picking up a few shallots & tomatoes ) and i simply burst into tears! LIFE will do that to you, especially in spring, that sneezy tease of a season…oy I feel like the pre-pandem me ~can’t come to the phone right now a la taylor swift~ why? cuz she’s ded ! ooo look what u made me do (skip my blog for one week)
years ago, I was drunk&depressed&riding my bike home from a show (it’s not dangerous if you romanticize it) & I biked in the wrong direction for 25 min. when I realized this, I was furious ! but there was nothing to do— I was not yet home, my bike wouldn’t fit in a car, it would get stolen if I just left it there…the only thing to do was turn around and…keep going. and that’s my mantra, BABY!! Keep Going <3 so I’ll keep seeing my 2 gorgeous therapists, watching videos of little dogs taking baths and keep going for walks outside even when I’m like…bitch where are you even going??? this, like all things will pass….joy will offer itself to us again, as is it’s wont…
hope y’all are hanging in there this week <3
because I feel deeply uncreative I have not written poems & instead am offering you something that I hope will cheer us both up, a list of things to look forward to !
things to look forward to (against all odds):
falling asleep
SEEK TREATMENT LIVE on APRIL 9 (TIX HERE)
brian’s 30th birthday
stepping on a tennis ball to massage my foot
cumming (lying on my hand like beached whale, face void of emotion)
putting on a sweater if I get cold OR taking it OFF if I get hot…
the Knopf free poem-a-day email list during April (National Poetry Month) <3 u can sign up here
looking in the mirror and saying “well, well, well…who are you and what have you done with little miss citty cat?!”
when pizza gets the perfect temperature (not too hot but warm!)
flicking my nipple and watching it get hard (old faithful vibes)
remembering I have a cold seltzer in the fridge as I walk up the stairs to my apt
hearing someone say “rhododendron” so I know how to pronounce it when those gurlies bloom
yawning (it feels good!) bet u just did it too hehe
eating that green sauce from jack’s wife freda FUCK it is good, does anyone work there and can give me some?
opening the door to a restaurant while people are leaving the restaurant and both groups do a little dance, smile and laugh, “excuse me” hehe its ok enjoy ur meal etc
touching everything in zara
experiencing pasta that is al dente
dipping my toe in a stream
grilling meats
loving & being loved in return
pointing my toe while lying in bed & pretending I’m in the ballet
sitting in a booth
seeing a small dog on the avenue
meeting a friend who has a fab apartment “omg where did you find this??” “craigslist!!” “omgggg amazing i neeeed to move but like…” “it know it’s helllll”
listening to sweeney todd
playing mrs. lovett one day
moisturizing
sex
the passage of time
mini hot dogs
pretty good!!!! ok byeeee
Thanks for reading My Sexy Little Email. As always, this newsletter is free, but if you subscribe, 100% of proceeds go towards The Loveland Foundation, which helps fund therapy for Black women and girls.
I also want to take some time this week to stand in solidarity with the AAPI community, particularly AAPI women and sex workers, after the racist hate crimes that took place in Georgia last week. I’ve donated to an organization called AAPI Women Lead, which aims to strengthen the progressive platforms of Asian and Pacific Islander communities in the US through the leadership of self-identified AAPI women and girls. Will you join me? Donate here. #StopAsianHate
Sending everyone all the love <3
XOXO,
Catherine
love it - check me out and keep writing! - maybeeee