I’ve made a terrible mistake

new poems on lisa vanderpump and being a West Village Girl

Happy Wednesday My Sexy Little Emailers!!!

I regret to inform you I am feeling unmoored, untethered, disconnected for I have made a terrible mistake…I accidentally left town without my laptop!!!! YES i have my ipad but real ones know that does not count. there is little comfort in an ipad when one’s rose gold macbook air sits atop one’s desk 3000 miles across the country….I feel soooo uneasy writing this from my ipad. it is so unnatural and it is simply perverse, but the show must go on.

I’m currently poolside in los angeles wearing a hoodie and sweatpants because I made the amazing decision to fall asleep by the pool yesterday without a drop of sunscreen and am now GIVING LOBSTER. bring in the dancing lobsters ? wait they’re already here!!!! I have not been this sunburned (sunburnt?) since I went to Jamaica with my college acapella group. we were the entertainment on the cruise and NO ONE wanted us to be that. we sounded like shit but looked cute enough. the group was co-ed and everyone was always fucking each other and then crying and starting drama and doing shots of everclear and then fucking again. god I miss 2013. if you think I didn’t lose my virginity to someone from my acapella group…think AGAIN queen!

I’m here in LA to work out my new show, record some podcast eps IRL with mr. P and see pals. I’ve been here less than 48 hours and have already spent $142.00 at Erewhon. Kelp noodles do something to me psychically that cannot be named. I adore the texture, the consistency, the name…kelp noodles…with garlic. kelp noodles! HELP i need my …

I’m being told (saw a tiktok) that there was a full moon last night? the night before? my healer told me to clean any new jewelry with saltwater and then charge it by the window under the light of the moon, which is a lot of steps but I will get to everything eventually. or will I?

I’m trying to get everything in order before my summer travels. once again I am fleeing to the UK for the summer—do you have your tickets to see the premiere of my new show in Edinburgh? so I’m going to the dentist, the dermatologist, I even got my blood drawn last week. They took four tubes which feels like a lot, no? by the WAY where does the blood go after they test it? do they just like…pour it down the drain? I want the best for my blood! I miss it! I listened to a true crime podcast that I actually wouldn’t recommend where they let drop the fact that “you can paint a room with a gallon of blood” hmm file that under things I did not need to know. sorry for sharing that info but I crave community, which is not a sin! yet!

my ipad (hate) is on 11% so I need to go find somewhere to CHARGE so I can stick the landing of this week’s sexy little email…