oooooh it is not easy to feel hopeful !!! it is not easy to walk the streets & know what day it is. it is not easy to dress & chop & chat & stare at the stars and say thank you!!! rinse and repeat. it is not easy. I search for the largest apartments in manhattan, browse the expensive internet for gowns & bags & boots, distractions. I’m all caught up on the podcast where a famous drummer in malibu is raising money to find a missing person. her car was found above a canyon. she loved going to concerts. I am more scared of ghosts than people for no reason at all.
I’m in love and lucky. helpful and medicated and working on becoming the type of woman who sends thank you notes in the mail. I used to listen to the postal service on my blue ipod mini. it was a gift. it was engraved. if I think about my family I start to cry with love. I need nothing. when did I begin believing I deserve everything?
I remember college, putting on denim shorts the spring of my freshman year, noticing all the cellulite all over my thighs— how had I become such a soft woman overnight? I ate grilled chicken. I shaved my pussy in the shower. I did shots before going out & beer only after that. I left jake’s room before he woke up & walked across campus in my red coat. it was cold, i loved it. theresa always kept a peanut butter & jelly sandwich in the fridge. who was it that told me carrots are a carb? who was it that told me most women don’t realize they have a body til the give birth? that cant be the whole truth.
I remember sobbing in Abe’s office. he seemed to think I was stupid for wanting to write about Salinger. sure I was. there are plenty of people who hate my taste or rather mock it seeing as they have no taste of their own. what happened to elegance? why am I wearing leggings to the bar? luxury is in all the wrong places. why are the facts of my own life so often impenetrable even to me, the girlie whose life it is? I’m alone in a house which isn’t such a crazy idea, it probably happens all the time. right now everyone in their cars is going somewhere. what the fuck happens when we die?? dont tell me I don’t want to know
poem I wrote after I answered the phone during zoom therapy
I don’t feel very horny or alive today
interchangeable much? I made a joke at the comedy show
& now I’m knee-deep in an emails with a doula upstate
on the Hudson I jog into a walk & play the second half
of that billie eilish song on repeat til I’m home
I have such a sickness I don’t need to be any younger
remember I sobbed in Ireland
when we missed the conor oberst show
& saw jimmy eat world instead?
it was really fun when they played the middle though
all of us strangers dancing in the rain
mini bottles of chardonnay, I miss the radio
how did we get home that night?
when it comes to everything
luck has so much to do with it
^^^^^the part of the song i like lol
poem I wrote after the red wine migraine hit
everything I’d like to love is out of fashion
romance, hard pants, optimism in the aftermath
am I stuck between the seasons of my life
or just hungover from the vodka martinis
there is no need for three
there is no magic to me in the east village
the softest men can be so cruel
does everyone have the same taste?
I don’t need you to insult me under a canopy
to remember I exist I just pulled my desk
to the center of the room like this
I’ve living in the command position
I’m painting my nails deep green
& reading about forests & calendars,
video games & the people who play them
outside the rain blows sideways,
the leaves flap around like money
poem I wrote after I chopped the eggplant
is that a ladybug or am I just
convinced I deserve to have exactly what I want
whenever I want it?
you’re so lovely & patient
putting rosemary in the hash,
looking through your camera roll
at the evidence of your life
I loved school but it made me read too fast
what’s everyone saying? I can’t remember a thing
poem I wrote after I found out simone weil was born with very small hands
so now that love island is over what should I care about?
I’m so tired from feeling guilty
about sleeping through my routine
you look so hot in a backwards hat
we’re on the edge of a hurricane
I cut the bread out of a bagel
poem I wrote after reading my book aloud to no one
other lives have a way of seeming so bearable
I watch a woman in montana
make shakshuka on the stove
oh look she’s journaling
it’s so romantic when she does it
it’s so wonderful to slice a tomato
I’m so impractical & jealous of all my friends
I wouldn’t last in another century
but this one isn’t making things any easier
ok I hope you’re having a sweet little day. good news is just around the corner ! i can feel it XOXO
ALSO — if you’re in NYC I’m doing my show “the twist? she’s gorgeous” at the bell house in brooklyn on september 5th- tix here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/catherine-cohen-the-twist-shes-gorgeous-tickets-168113174029
photo by zack dezon
:))))))))))))))
Thanks for reading!! As always, this newsletter is free, but if you subscribe, 100% of proceeds go towards The Loveland Foundation, which helps fund therapy for Black women and girls.
.
So beautifully written!!! Felt like a warm hug and a sweet bitter goodbye. Thank you Catherine, xx