"WORLD IS CRAZIER & MORE OF IT THAN WE THINK"

happy new year

isn’t it all fabulous and frightening?
the title is a line from one of my favorite poems,
Snow by Louis MacNeice:

The room was suddenly rich and the great bay-window was
Spawning snow and pink roses against it
Soundlessly collateral and incompatible:
World is suddener than we fancy it.

World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural. I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.

And the fire flames with a bubbling sound for world
Is more spiteful and gay than one supposes—
On the tongue on the eyes on the ears in the palms of one’s hands—
There is more than glass between the snow and the huge roses.

A PERFECT POEM. the kind u wish u wrote but understand u would not know how to even think about writing a poem had u not read it. BEAUTIFUL! FUCK ! and WELCOME to the new year. It’s winter and warm, bloated and brilliant all at once. nothing phases me as much as it used to but still I sob mascara-half-moons into my pillowcase if I get home too early. How often do y’all change your sheets? Is anyone as disgusting as I? the queen of the trapeze between high brow / low brow living. middle brow is a death sentence ! don’t fall !

Everything normal is hideously annoying. Dishes, mail, fussing with and folding over the fitting sheet. Darling! I am…depressed and certain when I sit I’m meant to be somewhere else. Have I been rushing through my whole life? I read so fast it can’t be for pleasure. should I blame it on school? or my fear that I’m worthless unless I’m drowning in accomplishments? a youtuber told me I was inherently valuable and it’s like…you don’t know me bitch…inherent value…the inner child…someone’s been diving into the world of self-help audio!!! I say this with all the boundless love in my heart but who among us wakes up and uses their talents for evil (writing self help books) I’m kidding but it is not a joke. My produce always goes bad.

I’m doing sober January because I drank my way through December (what was she avoiding?? honey I’ll have to save it for another newsletter!). New years day was depressina.com I ate dinner at 5:30 which meant I ate dinner again at 9:30 and fell asleep around 2 but not before diving headfirst into a youtuber’s channel on….organization? hard to know what to call it. definitely bullet journal vibes. my brain breaks when I try to comprehend what the bullet journaling expert is bullet journaling about in her personal bullet journal. it’s like looking at yourself in the mirror with another mirror behind you, like watching the cartoons on TV watch TV. I’m sure there’s a german word for this but I don’t know it because I’m stupid. Not stupid…no…that’s not the word I’m looking for. Lazy? Perhaps. I don’t know the names of so many politicians it’s probably humiliating but I’m getting by. My dentist left me a voicemail on Christmas eve. An omen?

Anyways it’s 2022. loo loo loo. boopi doo. I’m going to be actually real with y’all this year and go ahead and make this a MONTHLY newsletter because Lorde (melodrama era) up in heaven knows I cannot maintain the weekly pace now that life is sort of half-happening again…are you mad at me? trying not to care about that in my thirties but if you are you can easily unsubscribe etc. So yeah, from now on I’ll send out My Sexy Little Email the first week of the month. ideally on the 1st of every month but I already fucked that because today is the 2nd. should I be nice to myself or type myself into a panic? Whats that movie where she puts vodka in her smoothie? Anyways. Happy New Year. I have to say… at the start of 2021 I was like how am I going to make it through this alive el o el but I did and now I’m happy to move forward into 2022. Life is crazier and more of it than we think ……

my religion

The past month was psychotic I got so drunk then so covid then went so skiing like a little princess bitch. It took SO long to get back from Denver but now I’m sooo back in the city I love love love, buying potatoes and onions like a WOMAN! in CHARGE of her DESTINy. I feel a litttttle bit manic right now haha. wait I’m so proud of myself because I finally bought a coffee maker (not a nespresso, that doesn’t count) so no more buying coffees around the corner, spilling half of it while I walk a block (the TOPS do Not work,,,, um paging Science in aisle HELP ME!) and then only drinking 3 sips. Now I can easily waste coffee in the comfort of my own home. and THAT’S a slay. go off? don’t mind if I Mountain Dew! (ski bunny realnessssss) I’ve lately been shopping so much to fill the void that I walked by this and was like ….hmmm kind of a good deal….

So there’s that —ANYWAYS we made it through last year, here’s to making it through the next. I hope all my dreams come true soooo bad and that I stop being jealous of my peers and start liking my body hahahahaha also I hope my handwriting gets better <3

If you’re reading this know that your life is about snow and windows and citrus fruits. It’s about kisses and coping and walking by the water while missing someone you don’t talk to anymore and they aren’t even on social media ! We should probably all stretch more also. my body is so tense !!! and I cum a lot. :) I wish I could cum with my heart….awwww. ok I need to go LOL wait…i miss yall. okay. I’ll see you in feb. in the meantime, you can listen to my podcast Seek Treatment, read my book God I Feel Modern Tonight, or just follow my little fitz and starts on social media. Thanks for all your support. It really means a lot to me :) Here are some poems for ya <3

JANUARY FIRST POEM
this un-busying will be the death of me
making my bed like I’m someone’s mother
picking the seeds out of a lemon
I’ve been rushing through my whole life
when I was 20 I had the most handsome guy
show me this ramen place he’s gay now
I have gloves but I never wear them
by the time you get them on
there’s always something else to grab

REACHING OUT POEM
all support specialists are currently helping other visitors
that’s okay there’s a new episode of something right?
I still walk down 10th street
you know they’ll just stick cathedrals
in the center of city blocks
even next to that place I got my hip x-rayed
after I came back from Europe
& thought I was dying because I was happy
remember running into tina on our hike?
she was with her son
she told me it was good for creative work
to settle down with someone
or did she say it was bad for creative work
to settle down with someone
fuck I actually can’t remember

DECEMBER IS OVER POEM
I don’t have covid anymore but I’m sick
of people who don’t ask you questions at dinner.
where does the medical community stand on that?

how wonderful to make soup for my friend
who made me soup last week
when I watched eight episodes of Jessica Biel’s
murder program in the morning

whenever you get back from therapy
I look up to see what’s shifted, how’s your life?
am I still a part of it please pretty please
I’m old enough to know I wouldn’t die
without you but it would be monstrous
my friends might not make it out alive

what’s worse than a party full of famous people
everyone looking past your left ear
you can think about the same thing
for decades if you’re living enough
women go to cabins & commune with birds
mistake stones for symbols, open more wine

the whole foods amazon delivery person
(cause of death: writing that phrase)
left my chicken thighs in the hallway for three hours
it’s not their fault it’s not even mine
though I could have walked a few blocks
and just carried the meat home
but then who would sit in my bed
clutching my phone,
worrying about the size of my arms?

stay sexy my little emailers!!! 2022 is allll about that low rise look:

taking this pic on a go-see in 2022

Thanks again for reading. As always, this newsletter is free, but if you subscribe, 100% of proceeds go towards The Loveland Foundation, which helps fund therapy for Black women and girls. AND I’m THRILLED to share that in 2021, we raised over 10K for The Loveland Foundation. Thanks for your support <3

XOXO from me and my cousin’s dog LOLA <3